You know, I’ve heard people caution that dating often causes one to see the person they’re dating through “rose-colored glasses.” This could be the perfect solution, since I’m assuming semi-blind dating means something to the effect of keeping one eye closed the entire time. You’d be so irritated or worn out by the end of the date, I’m sure your view of the other person would be much more realistic – though perhaps a little lopsided.

Alright, so that’s not quite what my questioning friend meant. She went on to say, “By semi, I mean that you know about the person but have never met before.” Ah yes. The set up. I’ve been receiving such offers, and variations thereof, since I was 15. The older I get, the more frequent they become. Earlier this year, I had three in one weekend. I kept checking the mirror to see if someone had written “Please find me a man!“ across my forehead when I wasn’t looking. As I consider what is behind these offers, though, I realize that it is confirmation of what we know to be true from Scripture. Namely, marriage is normative. God designed one woman for one man for life and, even as some in society seek to destroy this Divine institution, the vast majority of people still recognize such a relationship to be ideal and worth seeking after.

While there was a time in my life when the practice of dating was something to be looked forward to once I reached a certain age, I have come, through the example of godly young people, the instruction of my parents, the study of Scripture, and the Lord’s careful directing of my heart to see it as both unnecessary and undesirable in preparation for a marriage relationship.

As my Dad has often pointed out, the first several chapters of Genesis can serve as a model of God’s perfect design for our lives. Although we now live in a fallen world, we would do well to consider how He brought about the first marriage relationship. While there are many principles that could be mined from this treasure trove, suffice it to say that ultimately God was the One responsible for orchestrating the events to bring about the relationship between Adam and Eve in His perfect time and according to His perfect will. I whole-heartedly believe that He is capable of the same today. (Seeing as how He had to create Eve on the spot to accomplish this, I’d say we already have a head start!) I am committed to living a life of obedience to the Lord, seeking to know and love Him more each day and trusting that if and when the time comes, He will orchestrate the events perfectly to bring about a relationship with the one He wants me to marry. It will not be necessary for me to be actively involved in the process of initiating this relationship.

For this reason I have chosen not to participate in the common dating practices of our culture. Though less-traveled, often questioned, and sometimes ridiculed, this path has given me an incredible freedom to joyfully trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding, but to acknowledge Him in all my ways, knowing that He will direct my paths. Perhaps more than anything else, this commitment has taught me to live by faith daily.

Who wants to settle for any level of blindness when instead I can be looking unto Jesus the Author and Finisher of my faith, the One who is directing the course of my life each day? Besides, then I might miss you know who altogether!

The years of unmarriage are a unique time, a precious gift from the Lord. Let us, unmarried women, commit ourselves anew to caring for “the things of the Lord” – not only for our own well-being, but for the well-being of our future marriages and for the well-being of the generations of children that will come behind us. The future is bright – the promises of God are sure!

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Julia, whose father died when she was still a young girl, has long been an inspiration to me with her love for the Lord and her devotion to prayer. She often asked me for prayer requests and faithfully prayed over them, checking in with me for updates on a regular basis. Julia’s heart for others, especially for those not readily accepted by others, has led her to take an interest in the lives of many younger girls and mentor and encourage them in their walk with the Lord. There is no telling how many lives have been forever changed because of the investments she has made.

For as long as I can remember, Julia had a certain computer-geekishness about her and didn’t hesitate to delve into solving computer problems or even learning programming languages. Eventually, she developed an interest in film technology and took advantage of an opportunity to study as an apprentice in the video department of the IBLP Headquarters in Illinois. She became quite good at video production and put to use her excellent writing skills and creative inspiration to help write scripts and narration, and design storyboards. She was hired on at the video department and continued her work there, working on a variety of different projects throughout the years. Over time, one of the supervisors in the video department realized that Julia was the one that God had prepared for him to marry. Just before their Christmas break in December of 2003, Daniel called Julia’s Mom and requested permission to court her. Julia, who had likewise grown to love Daniel, upon reaching home and receiving the news from her Mom, consented to the courtship. They were married in May of 2004 and have since founded Eye Reach Productions – a home-based film production company. They work together doing film work for a number of businesses and ministries and look forward to teaching their little daughter and expectant second child the “tools of the trade” so that they can continue to work and serve as a family.

You see, God knew exactly what kind of preparation Julia would need to be Daniel’s helpmeet. Because her heart was focused on the Lord during her unmarried years and because Julia faithfully sought the Lord and made knowing and following Him her priority, God was able to provide her with the opportunities to develop the skills He knew she would need.

The first is the example of my dear sister, Nicole. From the time we were little, Nicole and Nadine (our third sister) and I had given up traditional toys in favor of running our own “businesses.” We owned every business our young minds could imagine, and eventually stuck with a travel agency. We ordered travel magazines from every state and several foreign countries and filed them alphabetically in file cabinets procured for this purpose. We dealt with “customers” all day long, typed up itineraries and forms on our old MS-DOS computer, and spent the summer scouring garage sales for anything that could be put to use in our office. By far, the crowning moment was when I spotted it – a credit card machine. You know, the old kind where you placed the credit card on the metal plate with the carbon receipt over top of it and had to slide the top part of the machine over it to impress the credit card information on the receipt? We could hardly contain our excitement and were sure we had reached the pinnacle of life in the business world as we eagerly handed our find to the seller, who questioned us several times to be sure that we knew what we were buying. We convinced her that we knew what we were doing and sped home on our bikes, more eager than ever to conduct all the transactions required in our booming little business. Little did we realize how even during those carefree days of childhood play, the Lord was preparing us for what the future would hold.
For several years, once we were older, Nicole and I traveled to various cities in the Midwest to receive training and to teach groups of children while their parents attended a seminar. Though at times the differences in our personalities were the source of numerous irritations, we learned to work together as a team. We learned to value each others’ strengths and I learned much from her amazing organizational skills and serving spirit. She later went on to attend several workshops in areas of interest to her – floral arranging and interior design, in particular. She then spent some time working locally for an Interior Designer, and later for a Florist, learning valuable skills that she has used in numerous ways to benefit our family and others – helping with home décor ideas, providing beautiful inexpensive floral arrangements for weddings, etc.

Nicole worked as an Office Manager for several years at GraceWorks, helping keep things organized, talking with customers (many homeschool Moms from whom she gained valuable insight), and expanding her computer skills. From there, the Lord led her to work as the Office Manager for some friends as they started a new furniture business. She amazes everyone with her ability to keep track of incredible amounts of detailed information and efficiently handle business issues while calmly and politely dealing with customers in person and over the phone.

In November of 2004, God laid it on the heart of a young man to call my Dad and ask for permission to court Nicole. Unbeknownst to us, he had been seriously interested in Nicole since that Spring but had been praying and waiting on the Lord for the right time to pursue the relationship. Although we saw afterward how the Lord had prepared Nicole for this change that would be taking place in her life, at the time it was completely unexpected. Nicole and Andy were married in August of 2005 and she has used the skills she developed in her 23 unmarried years to decorate an adorable home for herself and Andy. She is an immaculate housekeeper and has used the combination of her organizational and computer spreadsheet skills to develop a meal-planning program that allows her to select specific meals from a list she created of their favorite meals and add them to the menu for the week. A shopping list is automatically generated from the list and she prints it out, goes through the cupboards and checks off items they already have and then does her bi-weekly grocery shopping from the remainder of the list. All this from the girl who hadn’t grocery shopped since we were little girls being dragged through the store with Mom and whose repertoire of meals included macaroni and cheese, ramen noodles, and grilled cheese sandwiches.

You see, God knew exactly how to prepare Nicole for her role as a wife and homemaker. She faithfully sought the Lord while she was unmarried and used the skills He gave her to serve Him and invest in others and He molded her into the wife that Andy needed to be his helpmeet.

1. Is attending college the best way for me to fulfill my primary God-given responsibility of growing in my knowledge and understanding of Scripture and in my relationship with Jesus Christ?

2. Is attending college the best way for me to develop a “whole heart” for God while guarding my heart from unnecessary input that is contrary to God’s Word?

3. Does attending college line up with what God has done in my life up to this point and follow the path that He seems to be setting out for me in preparation for my future?

4. Do my parents believe that it is God’s will for me to attend college?

5. Will college provide the education necessary for me to serve God in the capacity He is leading me? Is it necessary to pursue a degree program or would it be better to just take select classes that will assist me in developing the skills and interests the Lord has given me?

6. What opportunities for ministry or service or skill development are available if I do not attend college? Will these opportunities better enable me to seek and serve God than if I attend college?

There is only one valid reason that a young woman should attend college. And it has nothing to do with getting an education. Nothing to do with getting a good job. Nothing to do with making more money. Indeed, the only reason she should attend college is if God makes it clear that by so doing she will be able to most effectively grow in her knowledge and understanding of Scripture and in her relationship with Jesus Christ. For, if this is her first priority, God has promised to meet all of her physical needs, (see Matthew 6:33) and to direct her paths, (see Proverbs 3:5-6) which would include preparing her to be a helpmeet to her future husband. Because God has specifically placed her parents in her life to give her direction, a young woman should readily accept and heed her parents’ counsel when deciding whether or not to attend college. God may lay His will upon their heart for reasons that even they do not know, but which, when followed, will provide the light that the young woman needs in order to walk in His ways. Whether in spite of their counsel, or in the absence of their counsel, if an unmarried woman chooses to attend college when it is not God’s will, she is treading a slippery slope that will quickly lead to her destruction. In contrast, the woman who ponders the path of her feet and walks in the way God makes known to her will receive blessings from Him beyond her greatest expectation!

“This book of the law shall not depart out of thy mouth; but thou shalt meditate therein day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then thou shalt have good success.” Joshua 1:8

“Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, not standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful. But his delight is in the law of the LORD; and in his law doth he meditate day and night. And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper.” Psalm 1:1-3

“Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.” Matthew 6:33

This priority of the Word of God can be effectively developed in the life of an unmarried woman and will serve as a solid foundation for the years and responsibilities to come. The more she has the Word of God engrafted into her heart, the more its transforming power will be reflected in her life. Her decisions and choice of activities will be influenced not as much by her own desires, but more and more by the wisdom and ways of God as it envelopes her mind and becomes the expression of her heart’s desire. How can this become a reality?

According to Proverbs 3:3, we have the capacity to write things upon our heart. “Let not mercy and truth forsake thee: bind them about thy neck; write them upon the table of thine heart.” How does one write upon their heart? We receive information through our senses, through what we see/read, hear, smell, etc. We are all familiar with the phrase, “know it by heart.” When something is known by heart, it is no longer necessary to receive the input from an outside source. It has been received and written upon the heart and can be recalled from the memory within. This is why it is so critical to guard ourselves from input that is contrary to God’s Word and to fill our heart instead with what is true and pure. Of course, we cannot isolate ourselves from the world in which we live and there will be many times where we will be subjected to input that is contrary to God’s Word. That is why we should be “Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ.” (2 Corinthians 10:5)

A greater danger exists when we willfully subject ourselves to vast amounts of input that is contrary to God’s Word. Whether it is done in the name of entertainment (such as watching movies) or attaining higher education (such as attending college) or out of some fabricated sense of deserving personal pleasure (such as reading Christian romance novels), a young woman runs the serious risk of allowing the subtle philosophies of her enemy, the devil, who “as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour,” (1 Peter 5:8b) to slip past her overloaded mind to become lodged within the depths of her heart. Instead, she ought to “Be sober, be vigilant.” (1 Peter 5:8a) She cannot afford to let her guard down even for a moment! She must choose, rather, to meditate on the Word of the Lord day and night – to read it, to study it, to memorize it, to ponder it – for this, above all, is what God desires from her. Only then will she be ready to answer the question, “Should I go to college?”

“Now it came to pass, as they went, that he entered into a certain village: and a certain woman named Martha received him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, which also sat at Jesus’ feet, and heard his word. But Martha was cumbered about much serving, and came to him, and said, Lord, dost thou not care that my sister hath left me to serve alone? Bid her therefore that she help me. And Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things: But only one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:38-42

It’s not that it’s wrong to be hospitable and to serve your guests. It’s just that that was not what Jesus wanted Martha to be doing with her time right then. It is fascinating to note that the Greek word for “distraction” is the same one Paul used with the negative participle in 1 Corinthians 7 when he said he spoke these words so that the unmarried might “attend upon the Lord without distraction.” (emphasis mine) Additionally, the word “careful” that Jesus used is rooted in the same Greek word as Paul used when he discussed what things the married and the unmarried “careth” for. Martha was distracted from attending upon the Lord because she was caring for other responsibilities. Mary, on the other hand, had her focus right. She “sat at Jesus’ feet and heard his word.” Though we do not know for sure whether Mary was married or not, the example she provides perfectly fleshes out the teaching of Paul in 1 Corinthians.

The Lord has provided the time of unmarriage for young people so that they can sit at Jesus’ feet and hear His Word. He knows that there will come a time once they are married when they will not have the freedom to devote the same amount of time to such intense study and undivided focus. It will be their responsibility to care for the things of the world – how they may please their husband or wife, and eventually, their growing family. However, a foundation will have been laid during their unmarried years to adequately prepare them for this change in role and responsibility. We do ourselves and our future marriages a great disservice if we squander our time of unmarriage in ways that distract us from caring for “the things of the Lord.”

The second example is found in Acts 18:24-25, the only other place in the Bible where the exact phrase, “the things of the Lord” is used.

“And a certain Jew named Apollos, born at Alexandria, an eloquent man, and mighty in the scriptures, came to Ephesus. This man was instructed in the way of the LORD; and being fervent in the spirit, he spake and taught diligently the things of the LORD, knowing only the baptism of John.” [emphasis mine]

It was obviously the Scriptures that were the source of Apollos’ teachings. The word “mighty,” upon closer inspection, seems to indicate that the Scriptures were rooted within him as a source of power. He was not merely passing on second-hand information. He knew the Scriptures by heart. No doubt, this is why he was able to quickly transition to preaching Christ as the fulfillment of Scriptural prophecies when he was further instructed by Aquila and Priscilla. He was a humble student of the Scriptures and a very effective teacher of truth.

“The things of the Lord,” then, are to be found in the Word of God, the written pages of Scripture, and the Person of Jesus Christ (“the Word made flesh”), as we sit at His feet and spend time with Him. Since we have seen that the responsibility of an unmarried woman is to care for “the things of the Lord,” every decision she makes must be considered in light of whether it will assist her in fulfilling this responsibility or distract her from it.

Paul identifies a deliberate distinction between the focus and duty of the unmarried woman and that of the married woman. It was enlightening to discover that the words “difference” and “careth” come from the same Greek root. It is as though Paul was categorically separating the married from the unmarried by defining their unique roles. In other words, God has not equally bestowed the same roles and responsibilities upon all women, regardless of their matrimonial state. Married women have specific roles and responsibilities because they are married. Unmarried women have specific roles and responsibilities because they are unmarried.

This Biblical distinction is the premise upon which an unmarried woman should evaluate and base her decisions. Her primary focus must be on “the things of the Lord.” This primary focus will lead her to live a life of holiness in body and in spirit because she is seeking to serve and please the Lord in whatever endeavor He may lead her. If her primary focus is on preparing for a husband, she will become discontent with being unmarried, which Paul proscribes – he wants the unmarried woman free from the expectations and duties of those who are married, so that she may “attend upon the Lord without distraction.”

Here is the crux of the issue – our Sovereign God alone knows what the future holds. Therefore, He alone is uniquely able to prepare an unmarried woman for what her future holds. Rather than dogmatically insisting that an unmarried woman should only be engaged in certain pursuits, young women should be encouraged to pursue “the things of the Lord,” recognizing that this will mean a different direction for different women – based, not upon her own desires or the changing philosophies of the world, but upon the personal leading of the Lord in her life as He molds her into the godly woman that He desires. In addition to her own study of Scripture and prayerful consideration, a young woman must not overlook the vital role of her parents in directing her decisions. The Lord has placed them in her life to give counsel and direction. Honoring and obeying them is a key ingredient in a life that is pleasing to the Lord. If she rejects their counsel and direction, then she has cut herself off from the light that would otherwise illuminate the way set before her by the Lord. “My son, keep thy father’s commandment, and forsake not the law of thy mother: Bind them continually upon thine heart, and tie them about thy neck. When thou goest, it shall lead thee; when thou sleepest, it shall keep thee; and when thou awakest, it shall talk with thee. For the commandment is a lamp; and the law is light; and reproofs of instruction are the way of life.” (Proverbs 6:20-23)

This unmarried woman can be related to the young woman who was mindful of the probability of a future trip and made notes in preparation for such. It would be wise for an unmarried woman to carefully observe the examples – both positive and negative – of those around her and learn from them. This principle is vividly portrayed in Proverbs 24:32. After observing the field of the slothful and its state of disrepair, the writer notes, “Then I saw, and considered it well: I looked upon it, and received instruction.” Many little nuggets of wisdom can be gleaned by carefully observing the lives of others and viewing them in light of Scripture. [As an aside, I have found it helpful to keep a small journal in which I record specific principles and ideas that I’ve gleaned from observing others in situations in which I anticipate that I might find myself at some point in the future – from courtship to marriage to parenting, etc.]

Incidentally, I believe that these same principles apply to the life of the unmarried man. (1 Corinthians 7:32-33) As both the man and woman that God has intended for each other focus on “the things of the Lord,” He will allow their paths to cross once He has finished preparing them for the life they will live together as husband and wife. Of course, His sanctifying work will continue throughout the remainder of their lives, but they will have received the necessary preparation for the husband to serve as the leader of the home, casting the vision for the family, and the wife to be his helpmeet, using the specific areas developed by God during her unmarried years to come alongside her husband, supporting and carrying out the vision God has given him.

This is akin to the young woman who spent years consumed by her preparations for a trip she assumed she would take, but didn’t know when or to what locale. How can an unmarried woman possibly know how to prepare for marriage to a man yet unknown at a time yet undetermined? For, while it is normative that a woman will marry, it is not certain. And there is a great deal of uncertainty regarding the particular details of each marriage. Perhaps her husband will desire or prefer that she run the household a certain way. Will she be so set in her own ways that she will find such adaptability difficult? Perhaps her husband will have certain dietary restrictions. Will her training in the kitchen have been for naught? Perhaps her husband will have a physical disability. Will her expectations be crushed? Perhaps the long-awaited husband will die unexpectedly after only a short time of marriage. What will the young widow do then? (I am in no way advocating that young women should not serve their families in the running of the household or in assisting with meal preparation, etc., I am merely questioning the teaching that this should be done to the exclusion of all else in an effort to prepare for a future marriage.)

Is it possible, then, for an unmarried woman to be adequately prepared for marriage? Indeed! Not only is it possible, it is essential. But I would submit to you that the best preparation is not necessarily that which requires the unmarried woman to assume the responsibilities set forth for a married woman.

Astute observers will quickly agree that our society advocates a completely different approach to the question, “What’s an unmarried woman to do?” With disregard for God’s unique design of the sexes, young women are encouraged to pursue the same course as their male counterparts. (Which course, even when pursued by young men, is itself debatable in light of what Scripture teaches.) Namely, complete twelve years of primary education, attend college and complete at least one degree, enter the workforce and climb the corporate ladder, earn enough money so you can live comfortably and spend your latter days basking in the return from your gilded retirement nest egg. Somewhere along the way she may meet the man of her dreams and fall in love, at which point she may choose to get married. Following the honeymoon, life will carry on “as it were,” each pursuing their own ambitions and with household duties now equally divided between both parties. Should children be deemed desirable at some point, the socially preferred one boy and one girl will be attempted for and, barring complications, will be added to the family picture for the duration of their first 18 years of life, excepting, of course, the 25,000+ hours they will spend in daycares and educational institutions outside the home. Meanwhile, the career-driven woman will spend her days running the proverbial “rat race,” a continuation of all the goals and dreams she set out to reach as a young unmarried woman.

This is analogous to the weary woman who ran herself ragged in the busy activity of life, never giving thought to the future responsibilities of marriage, let alone preparing for such. Without any consideration for the teaching of Scripture, she merely set out to follow the course commonly practiced and encouraged by our present society. Independence is supreme. Though the woman gets married, it is little more than a social nicety. She continues to pursue her own goals and interests while her husband pursues his. Indeed, her total lack of thought and preparation prepared her perfectly for everything a marriage should not be.

One final gaze fixed itself upon a third young woman as she picked up a few odds and ends that had gotten out of place in her otherwise tidy area. As she returned them to their rightful spot, her eyes fell on the suitcase sitting inconspicuously toward the side of the room. A thought occurred to her and she quickly jotted it down on the travel checklist she kept handily stored in a drawer on her desk. As she looked over the growing list, she smiled contentedly and with a twinge of anticipation. She wanted to be ready for her trip – whenever the day should happen to arrive. But until then, she had plenty of other things to occupy her time and energy. She must remain focused and faithful in what she had been called to do for the present time. With that thought on her mind, she replaced the list, gathered the necessary items and left the room, carefully closing the door behind her as she set about to carry on the duties of the day.

An imperfect analogy, to be sure, but this is the scenario that came to mind as I contemplated the life of the unmarried woman. (The anticipated trip represents the probable future marriage and the suitcase and its contents represent the responsibilities of a married woman.) There is certainly no want of advice for such a woman: “Make a difference in the world while you’re single.” “Pursue your dreams.” “You must go to college if you want to be successful in life.” “Focus on learning to be a keeper at home.” “Find a ministry opportunity where you can serve others.” “Get a good job so you can support yourself.” “You always need something you can fall back on…just in case.”

How is one to sift through such conflicting messages as they are issued from every side? Which way is the right way? What’s an unmarried woman to do?