We interrupt this series on Presuppositional Patterns to bring you a brief glimpse into my memorable week of house-sitting…

Did I ever mention that I’m opposed to the idea of indoor pets? Nevertheless, being the kind, servant-hearted person that I am, I agreed to house-sit this week for a family that has an indoor pet. A dog, to be exact. A 7-month old, large puppy dog. Let’s just say that my opposition to indoor pets has increased exponentially. In fact, I don’t really like dogs at all anymore.

We got off to a great start the moment I arrived. Apparently he hadn’t been thoroughly filled in on what was taking place this week and was under the impression that I had kidnapped his family and taken over the house. The canine detective immediately set out on his first mission to apprehend this criminal – collect as many fingerprints as possible. He ingeniously devised a foolproof method to accomplish this task. After chewing open the barrel of a black ink pen, he proceeded to empty the ink and spread it around with his paws all across the kitchen and entryway floor. The competition was fierce, though, and I combated his devious tactics with a mop and bucket of soapy water and a lot of elbow grease. An hour later, there was not a fingerprint to be found and the kitchen floor was spotless. Ha! I was determined not to let this dog get the better of me!

By the time I finished rinsing the mop and replacing the bucket, the dog had moved on to the next phase of his defense plan. He must have assumed my plan of attack was hidden within the pages of my journal and was in the process of shredding it to pieces when I returned. I immediately issued the battle cry and charged! Aware of his inferiority at the moment, he quickly (and wisely) retreated. On this pleasant note, we called it a day and retired to our quarters for the night.

We decided to exhibit our growing attachment to the neighborhood as we set out the next morning, he on foot and I on rollerblades. His first stunt was a good one, until he realized that tying me around the mailbox might not be in his best interest, since he was still attached to the other end of the leash I had gripped firmly in hand. Undeterred in his mission, as we approached the house, he took off at a dead run in the opposite direction and ran me right into the curb. I’m sure I looked like a gymnast as I flipped through the air. With utmost grace and refinement, I stuck the landing, turned, smiled and waved at all the neighbors, who I’m sure were watching in awe through their curtained windows. Having enjoyed our pleasant excursion so much, we stumbled back to the house to spend more quality time together.

Determined not to relinquish command of his post to me, the dog continued to ignore every directive I issued. Eventually it came to a head as we battled a fierce tug-of-war, he for the right to shred the pillows and blankets and me with a desire to keep them intact for the return of the home owners. After repeated wins on my part, we finally made a truce and I offered to provide some lovely music on the piano in the adjacent room. Note to self: don’t ever enter a truce with a dog. With my spirit calmed from a time of refreshing playing, I reentered the living room and thought December had arrived, accompanied by an unexpected snow storm. The carpet was barely visible beneath the layer of white fluff covering the floor. And off to the side lay the deflated victim – a formerly fluffy decorative pillow. The dog gazed up at me gleefully, no doubt congratulating himself for accomplishing such an amazing feat in such a short amount of time.

Ever the calm, cool, collected one, I embarked on a search for the vacuum cleaner and, having located it, transported it back to the living room for some heavy-duty work. Unfortunately, it seems the vacuum cleaner was in cahoots with the dog and, after a deceptive choking sound, went on strike, leaving me amidst a room-full of fluff and a dog intent on spreading said fluff throughout the house. While I continued in my efforts, the dog apparently thought the solid white a little bland for his liking and proceeded to chew up a few pages of the newspaper and distribute it amongst the fluff covering the floor. What a nice touch.

Though it pained me immensely, I was forced to part company with the dog for several hours while I attended a wedding rehearsal. You can be sure I rushed back at the first moment possible, eager to spend as much time as possible with my new-found friend. He must have felt the same way in my absence, and, in his desperation to find me, managed to pry loose one of the boards from the backyard fence and make his way into the neighbor’s yard. As I pulled into the driveway, I was greeted by the neighbor couple and a wide-eyed dog, secured to the leash in their hands. They assured me this had never happened before. Great. That’s just what I was hoping to hear. As you can imagine, we were overjoyed to be reunited under such…unexpected circumstances.

During my phone conversation with the owners that night, I assured them we were both having the best of times and things couldn’t be going any better. The owner suggested a night of celebration – just the two of us, relaxing on the couch and watching a movie. Great idea. Exactly how I would have chosen to spend the evening too. We were perusing the DVDs for something that appealed to both of us. The dog picked his favorite, but I wasn’t convinced. I continued to read the story synopses for something that looked good. The dog became rather impatient and threatened to take matters into his own hands paws if I didn’t hurry up and make a decision. I guess I should have taken him seriously. I turned around to present my selection and discovered that he had given up and eaten the DVD. Now there’s a smart dog for you…guess whose DVD we got to watch then? Mine. And I added the remains of his to the growing stash of evidence to present to the owners when they returned to the place they used to call home.

In light of the fabulous time the dog and I had together all week, I graciously told the owners that they didn’t even need to pay me the amount we originally agreed upon. I figure what I made on the sale of the dog will cover it.

As I drove out to my weekly Bible study tonight, I managed to forget how to get there. I’ve been attending now for about a year, with a break for the summer. But somehow, that file in my brain must have gotten deleted. At one point I thought I had driven too far, so I turned around and started back in the direction from which I had come. Shortly thereafter I realized that it must have been further down the road than I thought. So I turned again and continued in the original direction. After several more wrong turns and back roads, I did manage to stumble upon the house where the Bible study was being held. Thankfully, I remembered with clarity how to get home once the study was over!

I don’t particularly think of myself as being directionally-challenged. But I don’t know how to explain away such odd predicaments in which I find myself more often than I care to admit. Absent-mindedness? Lack of observation skills? Poor memory retention? All of the above? Come to think of it, a friend of mine gave me a program on a CD a while back that’s suppose to help you increase your memory retention. But I can’t remember where I put it…

Yes, because we live in America.

We had a great time, though, and found out new things about each other. I never realized she had hearing problems – that explains why I had to rapidly increase my volume level while reminding her to apply the brake when approaching a stop sign. I also began to notice symptoms of amnesia – Turn signal? Pedestrians have the right of way? That’s what that DIP sign means? And all the while, my finest qualities broke forth with a radiant brilliance! “Pray without ceasing” became my motto for the day. And remarkably, as that beautiful chorus says, I found the things of earth growing strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace – unless it was just a result of the minor concussion I sustained when my head hit the window… But my faith was stronger than ever when I told the Lord that after this, I’d gladly endure any other form of persecution that He would have me experience. I figured things could only improve from here. And I experienced a renewed eternal perspective as I fixed my eyes above and prepared to drive right through those pearly gates.

Having had such a great experience on Friday, my sister was at the wheel again on Saturday for our longer trip out of town. Her animosity toward stop lights, stop signs, slow moving vehicles, and really, anything else that required her to bring the vehicle to a stop only intensified throughout the drive. By the time we were nearing our destination, she had had enough and decided to take the turn without the assistance of the brake. Though she did her best, and even went out of her way to pass through the nearest ditch, she was unsuccessful in her attempt to uproot the light pole on the corner as we exited the highway.

Having enjoyed the experience so much the day before, she proceeded to hop through most of the town until we made our way into the parking lot. It was a nice trick on the street, but I had to tell her she had gone too far when she tried to jump the well-placed parking block. It took a few minutes to get the hang of walking again, but once the vibrations stopped, we did okay. I’m not sure who enjoyed the reprieve more – us or my poor little car.

By the time we made it home at the end of the day, my sister’s driving skills had continued to steadily improve. It looks like we’re only going to have to replace a half dozen mailboxes and we think we can just hammer out that huge dent in the garage door. Apparently my car was more severely traumatized by the experience than I realized and is currently on strike and threatening to sue for cruel and unusual treatment.

Okay, so maybe I have slightly exaggerated the details in the above rendition of my experiences this weekend…hehe…I’m really not crazy…at least I didn’t use to be…

1. You will fail to instruct an aged canine in new methodology.

2. It is possible to direct an equestrian to a liquid substance, but it is impossible to force him to partake thereof.

3. If initially you achieve not the desired result, attempt, aspire to once more.

4. The end has not arrived until the large female utters vocal melodies.

5. That which travels in a spherical pattern returns to the place from whence it began.

6. A copper coin which remains unspent is equal to the acquisition of the same.

7. It availeth nothing to utilize your tear ducts over the no longer contained white liquid.

8. Refrain from adding your feathered poultry prior to their departure from a hard-shelled nucleus.

9. The proliferate lawn plant is continually a more desirable shade in a location opposite your own position in relation to the barrier of separation.

10. Refrain from lighting upon fire the arched walkway which you have crossed.

11. Occupants of transparent places of abode ought not fling small mineral fragments.

12. Near proximity is of credit solely in equestrian iron wear and small explosive devices.

Take a Teenage Driver Through the Drills
by Kevin Cowherd of the Baltimore Sun

So your teenager just got his or her learner’s permit and is going out driving with you for the first time. You’re wondering how to handle it. Don’t worry, it’s not that hard. I’ve taught two kids how to drive. I can walk you through it.

As soon as the kid gets in and buckles the seat belt, say: “You’re going too fast.” I like to get that one out of the way early. It sets the tone. You really can’t say it enough. Fifty or sixty times is about right.

Once you’re back in the driveway, tell the kid he or she did fine. Then add: “But you gotta learn to relax. You’re too uptight out there.”

At one point, Mr. Babbage had developed the concept for a large Difference Engine that would provide 20 decimal places for a sixth-order difference. He was trying to convince the members of Parliament to support his concept with additional funding. He is recorded as having made the following statement (which I find quite hilarious) in regards to this effort,

“On two occasions I have been asked (by members of Parliament), ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.”