Blind Dating?
October 18th, 2006 by natalie
A friend of mine e-mailed me, asking the following question: “Hey, what are your beliefs and thoughts on semi-blind dating?” She said she thought it would be a good topic for my blog, too, so I told her I’d post my answer here.
You know, I’ve heard people caution that dating often causes one to see the person they’re dating through “rose-colored glasses.” This could be the perfect solution, since I’m assuming semi-blind dating means something to the effect of keeping one eye closed the entire time. You’d be so irritated or worn out by the end of the date, I’m sure your view of the other person would be much more realistic - though perhaps a little lopsided. 
Alright, so that’s not quite what my questioning friend meant. She went on to say, “By semi, I mean that you know about the person but have never met before.” Ah yes. The set up. I’ve been receiving such offers, and variations thereof, since I was 15. The older I get, the more frequent they become. Earlier this year, I had three in one weekend. I kept checking the mirror to see if someone had written “Please find me a man!“ across my forehead when I wasn’t looking. As I consider what is behind these offers, though, I realize that it is confirmation of what we know to be true from Scripture. Namely, marriage is normative. God designed one woman for one man for life and, even as some in society seek to destroy this Divine institution, the vast majority of people still recognize such a relationship to be ideal and worth seeking after.
While there was a time in my life when the practice of dating was something to be looked forward to once I reached a certain age, I have come, through the example of godly young people, the instruction of my parents, the study of Scripture, and the Lord’s careful directing of my heart to see it as both unnecessary and undesirable in preparation for a marriage relationship.
As my Dad has often pointed out, the first several chapters of Genesis can serve as a model of God’s perfect design for our lives. Although we now live in a fallen world, we would do well to consider how He brought about the first marriage relationship. While there are many principles that could be mined from this treasure trove, suffice it to say that ultimately God was the One responsible for orchestrating the events to bring about the relationship between Adam and Eve in His perfect time and according to His perfect will. I whole-heartedly believe that He is capable of the same today. (Seeing as how He had to create Eve on the spot to accomplish this, I’d say we already have a head start!) I am committed to living a life of obedience to the Lord, seeking to know and love Him more each day and trusting that if and when the time comes, He will orchestrate the events perfectly to bring about a relationship with the one He wants me to marry. It will not be necessary for me to be actively involved in the process of initiating this relationship.
For this reason I have chosen not to participate in the common dating practices of our culture. Though less-traveled, often questioned, and sometimes ridiculed, this path has given me an incredible freedom to joyfully trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding, but to acknowledge Him in all my ways, knowing that He will direct my paths. Perhaps more than anything else, this commitment has taught me to live by faith daily.
Who wants to settle for any level of blindness when instead I can be looking unto Jesus the Author and Finisher of my faith, the One who is directing the course of my life each day? Besides, then I might miss you know who altogether! 
Hi, Natalie ~
I have to comment on this one. While I would advise someone to be extremely cautious when it comes to semi-blind dating, in particular the many “promising” available online dating services out there, I must say that I believe our God is big enough to set people up, even though sight unseen. My husband and I are proof of that!
We were set up by God, through my husband’s aunt. While we did see a not-so-clear pictures of one another, we officially met through email and hit it off immediately. Our experience involved a trusted source, first of all, and the personal choice on both of our parts to be honest with one another. Although it is easy to portray oneself over email in a certain way initially, as the relationship progresses, it is necessary to keep honesty the rule. My husband and I met very soon after starting our email get-to-know-you communications. We took the next steps in our relationship only as the Lord led, approaching our relationship not as casual dating, but as an opportunity to seek God’s will with marriage in the back of our minds the whole while. We are very much in love to this day, and understand with each passing year, more of Why God led us to be together. All glory to His creativity!
Bottom line - be cautious, consult trusted advisors and authorities, and don’t put God in a box!
I think the last paragraph says it in a nutshell. If all of us sought the word of God and really trusted Him like we say we do, ‘what a wonderful world this would be!’ (name of old song by Herman’s Hermits. Guess that dates me.)
Hi Lisa!
Thanks for your comment. I know we have different perspectives on relationships and I believe that God does work in different ways in each of our lives. I think one has to be careful, though, to not approach this issue from the basis of personal experience (or the personal experiences of others). In other words, we could ask, “If something works, does that mean that it is God’s will?” That could be defined as “theological pragmatism.” Instead, I think it is important to look to Scriptural examples and principles to see God’s design for bringing people together in marriage.
Should a relationship be entered with marriage in the “back of [the] mind” or should a commitment to marriage be the primary reason for entering the relationship in the first place? Is there any Scriptural basis for an intimate relationship to be entered between a man and woman when marriage is not the intent?
Just some things that I think are important to consider in respect to this issue of relationships.
Humbled~
Thanks for your comment. Guess that does date you - I don’t know either that song title or that group.
I don’t think I understand how meeting someone online is not God’s will. Maybe I am missing your line of reasoning.
I used online matchmaking service for meeting someone who was also serious about marriage. We e-mailed for two weeks and then met in person. We dated (or courted, whatever) for a few months, became engaged, and married. I don’t see anywhere in scripture where that is wrong. We weren’t fooling around. We both wanted to find a spouse and start a family. You can’t know someone unless you get to know them. Going on a date with marriage in the back of the mind is NOT entering into a intimate relationship.
God uses many means to bring couples together. To say that some are not His will doesn’t seem right to me.
Maybe, if you commented on how you think Scripture tells people to meet and marry would clear up the confusion for me, instead of commenting on how not to do it.
Hi Zan!
Good to hear from you. I read back through my post and previous comment and couldn’t find that I stated anywhere that “meeting someone online is not God’s will.” I did, however, ask “If something works, does that mean that it is God’s will?†Suppose that a young man and woman both go to a local club/bar, hoping to get hooked up with someone; they meet each other, fall in love, get married and live “happily ever after” - or at least claim to have a good marriage relationship. Does the fact that it worked out for them validate the experience as one acceptable for practice by others? Should they encourage others who want to get married to utilize their local clubs/bars for this purpose?
After doing quite a bit of study on the subject, I am convinced that the primary responsibility of an unmarried woman is to care for “the things of the Lord” (1 Corinthians 7:34), not to seek for a husband. If you are interested, you can read an article I wrote on this subject here.
I am not aware of any principle, pattern or command in Scripture that places responsibility on the woman to initiate a relationship with a man for the purpose of marriage. In my initial post, I shared that the marriage of Adam and Eve serves as a model for us of God’s perfect design for bringing a couple together. God designed Eve especially for Adam and brought her to him when He saw that it was “not good that the man should be alone†(Genesis 2:18). If marriage is God’s design for a particular young woman, I believe that God has designed her for a specific young man and the responsibility ultimately rests on the Lord to bring them together when He determines that it is the right time.
It would also be instructive for us to consider the parallel of God’s relationship with His Bride, the Church, as it is the model after which earthly marriages should be formed. We can see clearly in Scripture that God has chosen, loved and pursued His Bride. He is the Initiator of the relationship. Indeed, “We love him, because he first loved us†(1 John 4:19). In the same way, when the Lord brings a young woman into the life of a young man and makes it clear to him that she is to be his wife, it is his responsibility to initiate the relationship.
I do not want to neglect to mention the importance of a young woman’s parents in giving instruction and counsel in this important area of relationships. The Lord has used my parents tremendously in my life to provide counsel and insight, and my Dad, who takes seriously his responsibility to protect the heart of each of his daughters, has made it clear to me that he does not believe that it is my responsibility to do anything to pursue marriage. The same God who brought Adam and Eve together can surely still bring two people together today!
Zan, I would be interested to know what your Scriptural basis is for advocating the use of online matchmaking services, if you’d be willing to share. Thanks again for commenting and for your questions. It’s always good to be challenged to go back to Scripture and see what God has to say!
Somehow I KNEW you were going to use a bar scene argument. I was thinking about that last night. lol! I said. Natalie is probably going to say, “Well, meeting at a bar isn’t pleasing to God.” Can I read minds or what?
I hope I can say this all in the limited time I have. The bar scene is NOT a good place to find a mate. However, if a Christian does meet a spouse there it is God’s will. It is not pleasing to him, but He has His child whether they have been saved or not, go through that experience for a reason. God has everything happen for a reason, I believe, whether it be good or bad. My mom pursued my dad, who was incredibly shy, and they were married in two months (eloped). Not an ideal situation by any means (went against parents instruction). However, God had them go through hard years for a reason. He obviously wanted these people to stay together and after almost 30 yrs have blessed them. God may have not been smiling on them when they eloped, however, it was His will that they are together.
About the woman not initiating the relationship. I think a lot of what you are suggesting has to do with the culture of Israel. This would have to do with your view of how much culture of Israel is really Biblical instruction and should apply to modern day Christians. I don’t see Paul in the NT, when talking of marriage, instructing couples about the proper method of meeting someone. Obviously, God would not want us to sin in finding a spouse, but nowhere does God suggest in the Bible that women cannot initiate a relationship. I guess you could see Ruth as an example. She went out to Boaz as was the custom. (BTW,I don’t think if a Ruth situation was going on today that a widow should go to her closest male kin and lay down at his feet at night. This would be scandelous, actually.)
I think God can use anything to bring people together. Online matchimaking is not in the Bible. In 1 Cor. 7, Paul does not say women intiating the relationship is bad. Yes, women are to exercise humilty, but I don’t see saying “hi” to a guy who is closed off as proud. I initiated my online relationship with my husband. I had a lot of not-so-normal guys chat with me, but I could tell they were not for me. Just because THEY initiated first, should I have seriously considered them over the guy who’s profile seemed most compatible to me, but hadn’t noticed me because of the miriads of other profiles? I am a pretty shy person, but I KNEW that we would hit it off. We had so much in common and lived near each other. I introduced myself first and then he took it from there. Just, fyi. A lot of guys can be very shy from rejection and need a little encouragement like being nice and civil. He took notice of me and the rest is history. I believe that you can be going about the business of glorifying God and keep your eyes open for a potential spouse.
This is getting really long and I have to go.Poopy diapers and everything…
I think the bigger subject that you bring up is how much of OT law/custom is pertinent to the Christian church today.
BTW, I am not one of those grace, grace, grace, flush the law type of people. I do think that some Laws of OT are NOT contiued in the NT and that some are just “customs.”
Sorry this is so jumbled. I probably should’ve wrote this when the kids were napping.
Oh, about the comparison to Christ and the Church. Yes, marriage is a “picture” of Christ’s relationship to the church. However, men are not perfect like Christ. If you wait for the perfect man you will be waiting forever. Because a man is shy or afraid of being hurt does he not deserve to be married? If a woman is drawn to a closed off guy and initiates a conversation which may develop into an engagement, I don’t see this as sinning. The world is not Eden and people are not perfect.
Taking the bride/groom as Christ/Church analogy literally is crossing into the RC doctrine of marriage being more than an earthly relationship, but being a sacrament. I think you read into scripture things that are not there. I gathered this from reading you series on divorce. My husband is divorced so you probably don’t even see my marriage as valid and that we are living in adultery and my kids are bastards. Even though this is strong language, I don’t hold this against you. I just think you are wrong and misguided. Not angry or anything. I am used to such ideas, even though my marriage was blessed and approved by my OPC church. Anyway. Look forward to reading your comments. Maybe you should start a series on biblical courting or something.
Believe me, I am not offended by you so don’t feel bad if you write something harsh. I like disagreement. : )
Take care.
Hi Zan~
So, you’re reading my mind now, huh? Scary thought!
As far as I can tell, you have excused yourself in some way from every Scripture passage or principle that has been used, either by me or by you. Since I’m assuming that as a Christian your aim is to live your life according to what God teaches us in His Word, I am curious to know what Scriptural teachings and/or principles you use to support the idea that it is acceptable for women to initiate a relationship designed to lead toward marriage. Please realize that I am not in any way inferring that it is inappropriate for women to be friendly toward men or to initiate conversations with them. I am merely questioning the Scriptural basis for initiating a relationship with the motive of seeking someone out as a potential marriage partner.
To answer your question about shy men, I would just say that if he is not willing to act on what he believes to be God’s will to take the lead in initiating the relationship, what is to make me think that he will be a godly leader within the relationship - the role that God has clearly given to the man and not the woman?
I want to be clear that my intent is not to limit the way God may choose to work to bring together two people in marriage. Neither is it my desire to bring into question whether the way in which any current marriage relationship was brought about was God’s will or not. Instead, I want to present the wonderful peace and contentment that unmarried young women can experience if they will fully trust the Lord in this area of their lives. Throughout Scripture, and especially in the Psalms, we see the principle of trusting God and waiting on Him. I have found myself pondering the question, “How can I best express to the Lord my trust in Him in this area of relationships?”
Although marriage is a wonderful and desirable blessing, there is a sweet fellowship with the Lord that comes from being able to focus my heart wholly on Him. (Paul understood and expressed this distinction between a married and an unmarried woman in 1 Corinthians 7:34-35.) Not only has He met my needs, He has filled me up to overflowing with a deep, contented joy. He has been my truest Friend and Confidante through the joys of life and through the struggles and sorrows. Though I have failed often in my relationship with Him, He has stood with me, and strengthened me, guiding me to walk in His ways.
If marriage is part of God’s plan for my life, I trust that He is preparing me now for that role and will continue to do so as I seek Him first and whole-heartedly. I see no reason to take matters into my own hands and attempt to seek out a husband for myself.
I think we interpret scripture a little differently so that is the foundational difference between our views on dating and marriage. I think you over interpret scripture and that tends to give you a hyper-Calvinist view of matters. You seem to think that women shouldn’t love first, but that the man should love first and then the woman obediantly reciprocate the feeling. I think the picture Christ gives us of the Bride and Groom is beautiful but to use that as a rationale for only men pursuing the relationship is making a picture too literal. You seem to forget that this is a sinful world. Men are not God. They are not all knowing. They do not have His infinite wisdom. I think this is pointless to debate with you because of our different views of interpreting scripture.
I was very content as a single woman and kept myself very busy.I did pray that GOd would help me find a mate. I always wanted marriage, though. Is it wrong to want something that is biblical? Yes, I did initiate a relationship with a man who was looking for someone, as well. I didn’t say, “Hey, let’s get married,” but I did go to him first because I saw we had a lot in common. It was then his job to pursue me after that. I didn’t excuse your Scripture references and don’t see how you can say that. No there is no reference to internet dating or matchmaking services in the Bible because they weren’t invented yet. Just because the people of the Bible held certain customs it doesn’t mean we should keep them. That is a whole other subject.lol.
I used to be a lot like you. I believed many of the same things that you do. I read into scripture things that were not there. I am very glad that God called me out of that error because it made me unbiblically judgmental.
I am very happy that you are content with where you are. Maybe you have the gift of singleness that is very rare. Just because you do it doesn’t mean that all women do. Desiring marriage which is very natural is normal for young women and shouldn’t be discouraged.
I know I am not a very good arguer or debater. Mostly, because I do not have time. I know you are going to look down at me and remark that I have no scripture to support my beliefs. I believe I do. Paul said that people who want to marry should marry. Looking for scriptural patterns to how to accomplish something can be dangerous, in my opinion and lead to some really bizarre ideas.
Ok, I have to go. You can respond if you want, but I don’t know if I will have time to respond to you. I am not a good biblical debater and end up sounding like an idiot most of the time.
I do think that you should restudy your marriage posts. As a woman married to a divorced man it was very disturbing to read that. I think your extrabiblical logic could be very devastating to Christian families everywhere and am thankful that this is not a mainstream idea.
OK, now I am sounding dumb.
Take care